3:24 am
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
3.24 am and i just can't sleep,
no matter how tightly or gently i shut my eyes
sleep just won't come and intoxicate me.
i hate that stillness of the night.
the time when u're physically ready for slumber to perform its magic
and yet in the midst of the wait
the mind wanders and suddenly the troubles and trials of life start accumulating
and filling up each and every corner of the mind
sparing no inch of space
i'm trying to sort out my thoughts
wading forcefully against the inertia of the massive weight upon my mind
and yet it seems in vain
it's like as if each problem is fleeting
fleeing rather
fleeing from my firm grasp
tt's trying to make sense of it all
choosing instead to stamp its imprint
and then fleeing to a far corner
out of my reach
while another does its dance through my thoughts once more
all these physical activity occurring in my brain
how can one sleep in peace?
a few hours more i shall wake and head to the hospital i was born in
much as it is a place of life
it is also a place of death
i dunno if it's fear that grips me so right now
all i can do is pray..
but that's wad i haf been doing..
my mummy would be alright right Lord? life would go back to normal in time to come rite?
Lord - how can i be encouraged?
do i feel pressured?
yes.
if it hadn't occurred to me that people are watching
i think last nite reminded me all the more
i can't shake off the past no matter what
it's not a bad thing, if anything it was good
but expectations..
i'm seeking to please God, not men.. right?
perhaps it's coz it is easier to please men than God at times.
right now,
i just wish i could click a delete button on my life and disappear from the face of the earth.
i love you God,
can't u just grant me this chance to join u in heaven painlessly quick?
or perhaps my life ought to be a facebook account,
where i could delete it temporarily,
disappear from the radar of most people
appearing in person only to a selected few who truly love me and care for me
who care about how i feel..
coz i'm important to them..
and they are to me too..
and reappearing to the social world when i'm ready
when the time is right
if ever at all.
there are so many if only's in life
i wonder why i work secretly at nite
then i rmb, it's coz of how i was made
this feeling to really just go all out when it concerns those close to my heart
even if it won't be reciprocated
i wonder if it'll all be worth it..
shucks.. why am i tearing again?
arrgghhsssssss!
if i were blind, perhaps i wouldn't see certain things that stab my heart
if i were deaf, perhaps i wouldn't have to put up with wad my world has to say to me
but yet i see,
and yet i hear,
and it's a blessing to be able to do so.
i need to count my blessings
and not my sorrows..
yet Lord.. it is hard when one sorrow far outweighs all other blessings..
i wish i could live in the time one year ago..
at least i knew wad it was like
it was a happy harmonious time
when my relationships were as i had always desired..
when my heart had not been gripped, torn and shredded seemingly beyond hope
i fear what the future holds
not coz i dun trust in God
but more so coz i dun trust myself
it's harder when u realise u're going thru it alone
much as ur best friends surround and support you,
they haf their hearts shared with others to.
and so i realise.. my hand is gripping air.
and yonder i tread.. gingerly
living each day at a time..
Lord..
i really ain't got the strength no more.
this is harder than i expected..
didn't u say we won't ever be tempted and tested beyond wad we can bear?
i know i reached my threshold long ago.
i feel like a mindless soul just trudging along life right now.
but tonight..
tonight everything flooded my mind and i am just so.. overwhelmed..
no amount of tears is making me feel better right now
should i still do wad i plan to?
disappointment is too bitter for me to digest right now.
it felt like a thousand razor blades slicing.. slowly.. painfully..
everything just seem so..
bleak and dark right now Lord..
who truly understands me right now?
i guess i asked for this.
alone i go thru it once more..
it's just so tempting to ..
i'm just tired of hearing abt wad i ought to do.
place urself in my shoes.
and perhaps u'll plunge urself into the deepest crevice.
is there no one to offer me a genuine shoulder to cry on?
one who won't go on to offer me 'advice' and yadder on incessantly?
Lord.. where's the warmth i desire?
where's the light?
and where is my sleep..