i'm struggling.
like really really really struggling.


everyday it seems clearer to me.
i know God is leading and guiding my every step.
and every other week i'm brought back to my ignorant step of ground zero and the whole trauma begins again.
because i choose so.

man is that sinful.
and carnal.
and i grapple with moving from the old to the new which is ironic because i already have the new!
God says so.
and i believe so.
but my heart and my belief and the truth and my courage are in opposition.

and it hurts.
so so so bad.
and i think abt the future.
and it hurts more.
i think of the future with a hope i dare not hope for.
a yearning i only dream of.


i dream and i'm happy.
temporarily.
but alas!
it remains a dream.


drama?
each day is an episode.


when will the acting stop?



jolene - please choose to be happy.