the girl
chapters
speak up
*stars*
nothing fancy
nothing much
just some thoughts
to be in touch
- aiting -
hullo
2:30 pm
Saturday, July 09, 2005
- bad day -
"chi bu dao pu tao suo pu tao suan" -i learned a new cheng yu today.
ever since this year,i've long felt tt i've wasted so much time.wasted first 3 months bumming around,not trng hard.then went to vj,got posted to jumps n despite trng with all my heart n soul n strength for the past 3 months,i still did not make it today.my first jump was overboard n the next 2 did not meet the qualifying mark.i wanted to cry after my jump,but managed to control until i reached back to the grandstand.was quite surprised actually coz i've never teared openly before at a meet.like even when i was so sorely disappointed tt i got 9th for 100m by 0.04s,i still didn't cry.yet today......anyway,i really expected myself to easily pass the qualifying mark coz i do so every trng.so ya.was quite flabbergasted when i didn't.argh.i am just so frustrated n disappointed with myself.like i totally wasted a year in track n today proved it all.i went down today aiming to do my best n expecting to do a pb,but when my tag no. was called n i took my place,at tt point,i never felt so thoroughly unprepared before.like seriously-i've never felt so unprepared.sigh.i'm very angry with myself n with God,even though i know it's wrong to be angry with Him.but argh,i'm just so angry coz i know God will give us wad we deserve n i most certainly feel n know tt i do not deserve what i got today.arrrrgh.n no matter how u look at it,i just feel n know tt i've wasted a year.even if i go back to sprints,i'll not be able to do wad i did before no matter how hard i train.i mean training is a process tt can't be interrupted with long breaks.i can't expect to take a year off running n still be able to do better than wad i did in sec 4.at the most i'll remain the same,but i strongly doubt so.
i've never felt so low in my life before.this sucks.triple's next wed.but do i care now?i can't do triple for nuts.can't even smell the qualifying mark.i really feel like just skipping comp on tt day.like wads the point of even going when i know without doubt tt i will not be able to qualify n then feel even worse n know for sure tt i've really wasted a year n then go back on the verge of tears n everyone will try n comfort u by saying tt at least u did ur best n tt at least i tried jumps which were not even my pet event.ok,those words did bring me some comfort,but only scant.after sprinting,which is something i dearly love n have come to be used to,for the past 3 years,having to be forced to change pet events n only to fail horrendously is such a horrible feeling.u just feel like u've lost it all n that u totally suck.i hate it.n it's even worse coz it's the -nationals-.arrrgh.i need a punching bag.
it's also so frustrating when people with natural talent just makes it look easy.like jie qiong.i mean she didn't even come for jumps trng for the past month or so n only resumed like last week n she's never had track n field experience yet she easily reaches distances i strive to reach for each trng.life is so unfair.but i'm glad tt at least she uses it.it frustrates me even further when i feel tt sometimes some people just dun maximise their talent when they can.i know i can't judge,but i just feel very frustrated sometimes when i see j.low like slacking n not really putting in her best efforts n it showed today at nats.i just wanted to scream when i saw her,mel's n helen's timings.like their slacking really showed.if u wanna get top 8,u gotta work for it.they dun have to work for it like i do coz they're naturally talented,but it's so frustrating when they slack n then no matter how talented they are,it still ain't any good when it comes down to the crunch time.true they do train hard,but could they have trained harder n more consistently instead of just in the past month?yes is the answer i would readily give.they could have done so much more.sigh...i didn't even get a chance to run in sprints for nats,didn't even get an opportunity to run for relays,not even as a reserve,and u guys got the chance but dun fully treasure n make the best out of it.standing from the sidelines watching...is really painful.n it hurts even more when i dun see the full potential being fulfilled.results are not everything,true,but results show how fruitful the process has been.giving ur best at crunch time is not enough,giving ur best consistently during each and every training is the most important.
i know j.low's gonna argue after reading this,but well...i really regret not shaking her n yelling at her to wake up n look around n see that even though u may not be training hard,others are and it's showing at nats.u can't always be contented to rest on ur laurels,coz one day someone's gonnna come n snatch tt seat from under u.it's no point bitching abt someone n laughing abt the attempts the person makes to beat u and when she does,u get bitchy n all but have u ever asked urself who trained for it n deserved it more?sigh.i really wished i could turn back the hands of time.it would've been better for everyone.
training need not have to be serious all the time,but at least there must be a certain level of seriousness during each session.coz at the end of the day,when the good results show how training seriously n having fun together can really benefit the team as a whole n achive great results,only then will we realise how fulfilling our time together as a team has been.and there will be no regrets.wad a wonderfully perfect day tt would be...
anyway,another gripe-he didn't come today.maddening.i mite have jumped better.ahaha.oooooooh yes-and i so love the victoria school track shirt.so much cooler than ours.totally love the reversible victoria ambigram thing at the side.dang i want one.