the girl
chapters
speak up
*stars*
nothing fancy
nothing much
just some thoughts
to be in touch
- aiting -
hullo
10:38 am
Monday, October 04, 2004
- lifesux -
thoughts bombard my mind
swelling,filling up all space
reaching out
trying to grasp
yet like a faint mist
they slip through
...into nothingness...
i feel like exploding.i just wanna get out.
today started off on a bad note.my sis scolded me for not putting her shoes back properly after i used them last night.ok,not exactly scold,though it was still jarring to my ears,it was more like sarcastic snide comment.it's not like i intentionally decided to place them in such a way.i see nothing wrong with the position i placed them back in.i dun think it caused permanent damage to the shoes just coz i placed them in tt position.and if u were late coming home at night,and if ur mother is sitting intimidatingly on the couch in the hall watching tv,facing u,i seriously dun think u would waste precious time standing outside,thinking of a 1001 ways on how to safely replace back a pair of shoes in a pathetic shoe box that already contains another pair of shoes.and in my defense,i really did take extra care in replacing them side by side instead of one atop the other coz i tot my sis would prob scold me for squashing her shoes for doing so.hah.i'm so wrong.even when i thought twice,it's till my fault.anyway,i'm just feeling rather angst now.
it's not the shoes u know,it's the other snide things my sis say to me as well that really hurts.when i use her things,i really do take extra precaution,even more than when i'm using my mother's stuff.and it just hurts me badly when my sis reprimand me like as if i intentionally wanted to cause damage to her things.she scolded me the last one and only time i used her nikes coz apparently i gave the shoelaces split ends.rite.once again,like as if i purposely went and jump aound in it so tt the shoelaces would split.anyway,i took a look at it and the shoelaces looked fine to me.so i dunno wad she's referring to.of coz,she doesn't even remember and wasn't even grateful when i went to clean her nikes for her when i saw a lil patch of grey dirt stuck to the side even though i hadn't even worn it then and did not need to do.
i'm really glad tt my sis lends me her stuff to wear and use now,but sometimes,it's really frustrating when she reprimands me.i feel like as if she inspects her stuff when i return them,there's no trust kinda feeling.i dun think she actually inspects.just...wadeva.
another thing is also about schools.i know she dun wan me to appeal into vjc for my own good.but wadeva.i most prob won't do tt in the end anyway,coz my parents are strongly against it and why?all thanks to ONE fren of my darling old sis whom she and them keep using as an example.rite.so like because of tt ONE person,i can't appeal.appealing = future life of being made use of by the school and pure torture.tt's the perspective of my parents' and my sis.like please.my track is not tt good.but i think i do stand a fair chance in trying out for the team.even if i get in,the school sure won't 'make use' of me coz obviously i'm inferior to the rest.i just wanna get in.so why can't i use track as my platform to do so?!!so frustrating.
i've never once insulted my sister's schools.i've never once made any snide comments about 'neighbourhood schools' like my sister's or even anything about cjc.i dun have anything against cj,but i just feel tt with 13 pts,i should at least give the better jc's a shot.my sister?hah.she has always had her own views abt cedar,and she doesn't worry abt voicing them out.she also doesn't mind speaking ill of my buddies.not like i dun stand up for them even if she speaks the truth sometimes.i dun even talk bad about her frens.i dun voice my own opinions about them.i respect her.and i know that saying certain things would hurt her.like i dun make comparisons about the vast disparity between my and her secondary school,or our results or the jc i can get into and the jc she ended up in or even in our cca achievements.i believe in doing unto others wad u want them do unto u.but i dun think my sister believes in that where it concerns me.i think the person who have insulted me most in my 4 years of secondary school life is my sister.i'm very proud of my school,i'm very proud of my frens.and each snide comment of hers is like a razor blade grinding through my heart.and yet i bear it all.
i have never been a good listener.but i've tried to become one over the last few years.yet,i still wanna be heard.but do i get heard at home?i wish.the only time i get heard is when my sister is not around.then,my parents have all ears for me.i always listen to my sister talk,about her school,her life,her frens,church,etc.but she never listens to me.no matter wad i'm doing,when my sister starts talking,i listen.it's only right of me,i feel compelled to do so.coz i'm her sister.and sisters are supposed to be the best of frens.wad a cliche.even when i had competitions or exams the next day,when my sister started chatting,while i lie on my bed trying to sleep,i still listen,late into the nite.and yet,even if she's wide awake at the computer,my words fall on deaf ears.i give up.i'm tired.
i wanna run away.get out.i need my escapade.