How i wish to cease
Cease to exist
To be non-existant
To go to a land far and distant
That would be my heaven
for even the little-lest things
that used to make my day
have lost their meanings
'For what purpose?'
that's the message they now convey.

My sun has set
I knew the warmth
would never last
Yet darkness brings me light
as realisation dawns:
I have not lost the meaning of life
The meaning of life has lost me.

recently,i have been in a very melancholic mood.is that the right word-melancholic?i dunno.more like depressed.i just wish to shut my mind.shut my thoughts.shut the words.shut the poetry.i always get smacked by inspiration of a few lines of poetry whenever i feel down.and lately,i've been feeling down.real down.and when i do get those lines in my head,i just can't shut them out.so i just write more,think of some other lines that go with it,that expresses how i feel.and i just can't stop until i am satisfied.it's my joy,and yet my curse.coz i'll forsake all other things just to get those words outta my head.i just wanna run away.i hate studying.i hate to read the same thing over and over and over again.the words just become a blur in my brain.torturing me,teasing me,with bits and parts of facts that aren't complete.forcing me to refer to my textbooks again.how i wish to have a supersonic memory.to absorb everything and yet not be lost in the mess of words.but dun we all wish for it?life's tough.wad's life for?

oh well,guess i should be glad i can even write today's entry.my home comp is finally working!!!whoopeeeeeeee!!!!!!!i totally didn't expect it.anyway,the other day mr tay wrote in my autograph book: - ambition is a poor excuse to be lazy -.hmm...wonder wad it means?i admit i have been superbly lazy.i just loathe the thought of sitting down to study.but still...ambition and lazy dun go together in that sentence.tt's wad nellie said.i'm still trying to figure out wad it means.somehow,i know i know wad it means,somewhere deep inside me.but u know,the feeling is akin to tt of which u are trying to grasp a lost memory,like something u've forgotten and u just try ur best to dwelve into ur deepest memories,hoping to catch a whiff of it,yet it just evades ur grasp.i have tt feeling whenever i try to figure out wad tt sentence means.anyone can shed some light...?

ok anyway,i gtg.my comp's about to black out.i just know it.ta.


29th October 2004
the entry on top was from yesterday.but oh well,just as i clicked 'Publish Post',my comp blacked out.got me quite pissed.tot i had lost tt entry,but oh well,God works in marvellous ways.it actually managed to save!
today i dragged myself out of bed at 8.50 a.m [actually my alarm went off at 8.45 a.m,but oh well,that little 5 min never hurt anyone].now why would i do such a ridiculous-totally-unlike-me thing especially in such lovely rainy-perfect-for-a-good-sleep weather?coz i was supposed to meet jasmin and kai yang at 10a.m sharp at punggol cc to -study-.really.study.anyway,i was unable to read straits times like i normally do after i wake up coz i couldn't find the stuff i intended to bring to study.consequence of not preparing the night before.yupz,met ky on the train and jasmin was late coz she was doing a good deed by helping an old man cross the road and she ended up missing TWO buses.man,i hate this kinda stuff-u know,when u're doing a good deed and u dun get ur just returns.anyway,we had to wait a while longer coz the office staff of the cc decided to have an extended breakfast and the guy came in like 1 h 16 min late.so anyway,we went up to the study room [jasmin's a member of a study club!!!didn't know such things existed...] and we studied.[duh]ok la,we chatted quite a bit and pissed off some ppl but like wadeva.we had bbq express for lunch!!!gosh.i miss it.haven't had tt since the last time i ate there for the first time.haha...it's real nice.and now they even give evian water!!!wow.and the total cost for a meal of chicken steak meat,yellow rice and achar plus the water is only $3.20.the servings are large too.definitely more than worth it!
yupz,we headed back after tt and studied and chatted a lil bit more with jasmin constantly telling us abt the menstrual cycle and sperms and eggs and such and totally grossing us out.i pity kai yang having to put up with it.haha...poor guy.

hmmm...my mother is suffering from some knee prob now.like it hurts real bad occasionally.she's going for the check-up on monday.so please keep her in your prayers yeah?thanks...just now,i was happily singing lalala on some song i dunno the lyrics of on perfect 10 and my mother was banging on the door outside asking to be let in and shouting how she does not know how to punish me.like ???!!!!!!!!!!!???!!!!!!!!!!!!!i didn't do anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!just singing my lungs out wad.hmmm....oh well.my talent for singing is just not appreciated la.anyway,when my dad came out of the bathroom,i said 'remember the shower ah' and he was like 'OH YA!!!' and ran back in to check.coz like he has a habit of turning off the wrong button,so tt the next poor unfortunate soul will get scalded the second she [i say 'she' becoz my dad's the only guy in our house] turns the shower on.anyway,my mum was just shaking her head saying u can't teach old dogs new tricks and my relieved looking dad came out saying i was just trying to trick him.like WAD?!!i was just doing a good deed by helping to remind him ok!!!and then he went on to say sometimes he doesn't know if his daughters are with him or against him.like once again ???!!!!!!!!!!!!???!!!!!!!!!!haha...i think my parents are too stressed.i think everyone's too stressed.go take drugs man.take the -chill pill-.haha...ok not funny.